A little Motivation

When the mistake from the past come to haunt to 
Things you did even when you didn't want to 
Things you said even when you didn't mean
Now you seek a chance to regret, to redeem. 

Sometimes, you regret the things you did
Mostly you regret things you didn't do
Sometimes, you worry about things that are there
Mostly you worry about things that are going to. 

The grip of the past is so tight, that it doesn't let you go
It doesn't let you rethink, reconsider you know.

Sometimes, you feel lost; sometimes, you feel defeated
Sometimes, you feel betrayed; sometimes you feel cheated
Sometimes, you feel alone; sometimes, you feel no connection
Sometimes, none seem worthy, and none deserve a relation.

Sometimes you want to cry your heart out
Sometimes you want to stand alone in the desert and shout
Sometimes you want to be left alone in the dark
Sometimes you want o shut down and restart. 

Sometimes you are jealous of your past version
You think you degraded yourself in search of the perfection
Sometimes you think you are the smartest and others are stupid
But when your ego shatters, it takes you down bit by bit.

Sometimes the feeling of hate for yourself grabs your neck
You feel you were beautiful but you have become a snake
Sometimes you feel the sand slipping out from the hole
Things are taking over which you have no control. 

Sometimes, the ghostly memories appear in your had
The people who loved you, you made them sad. 
Sometimes, you want to go back and apologize
Sometimes, you play the tape of thoughts and revise.

You want to do it but you feel so alone and so weak
The layer of garbage on your true self has gotten thick.   
Sometimes, you feel sunken in the ocean of regrets 
Sometimes you crumble under the weight of debts.

Sometimes, you feel you are not made for challenges
Sometimes, you feel conservative and hate changes
Sometimes, you don't feel good about touching you
Sometimes, you feel something heavy is crushing you.

Sometimes, you feel you lost a part of yourself in the race
Sometimes, you betray yourself you lie to your own face
Sometimes, you think you are not the same person as before
Sometimes, you think you are not able to love yourself anymore. 

Sometimes, you witness negativity take over
You are broken inside and it is not a metaphor. 
Sometimes, you feel trapped in your desires
You can feel yourself falling into the ring of fire. 

Sometimes, you question your own existence. 
You ask yourself about the means

Are you doing the things you always wanted to do?
Or you are trapped in something you don't want to.
Is this the life you really want to live?
Or you are faking happiness. Hard to believe. 

Where is that Shyam, who explained things to others?
Where is that Shyam, who used to argue with teachers?
Where is that Shyam, who was always enthusiastic?
I want to meet him, he was really fantastic. 
Where is that Shyam, 'who always brings nice ideas.'
Now you compare between 'what is and what was.

Remember the feeling you get when
You tell yourself how you have evolved.
Remember when you used to say
That every problem can be solved.
Remember those days when you 
Used to pat yourself on the back
That was the original version of you
This Shyam is fake. 

Remember the little celebrations 
When you always get the things done. 
Remember the nights spent awake
Because doing science is really fun. 
Remember you used to tell yourself
'We should never blame the resources.'
Remember the confidence
I can stand against all the forces. 

That Shyam is still sitting inside you
It's sleeping before the covers.
I still believe in you, Shyam
I am still your true lover. 
You can still find your true self
It takes a little more the sitting and thinking
You are still that strong and bold Shyam
Who was able to achieve anything.
Let him wake up and let him fight. 
You are strong Shyam, your future is bright.  

I was a little sad this week. I was not able to perform the experiment. It was simple but I was not able to get the right results. I was not able to do the first and simplest part while my friends have gone very far ahead of me. I was feeling very lost, defeated in exact words. Other things were also there. I had a test coming the next day and I hadn't studied anything. Mostly it was from the failure in the lab. I came back from college and lay down on my bed. I started to watch a clip from a movie on YouTube, it was sad and I am honest I cried. I literally let tears roll down my cheeks. Then I got up and started writing everything that was coming to my mind. I didn't even think about the rhymes. I didn't notice how long the poem was getting and just realized that it is a hell of a poem. If I read it once more it will make me sad. Well, I feel relaxed after writing it and I am lighter now. Don't worry about me, this kind of thought doesn't last long in my mind. I am cheerful again at the moment of typing this post. 

Life in IIT Update: This week was the hardest week hitherto. I got an electronics experiment, and I am very weak in electronics. I was never able to get even the offset voltage of an operational amplifier. Then the classical mechanics' test happened. I need to say that I need decent in the test, at least relative to my friends. I was the only one to demand an extra sheet in the class and to attempt all three questions. So I guess I did well on the test. How was I able to do it? Well, I don't believe in God anymore but I don't have any other explanation for it. I just knew things in the test. At the first sight, I knew what to do and I didn't have to even think about the question. It was pure intuition-based, and It was right. 

I thought labs in IIT will be very good, but I did not meet my expectations in the electronics lab. It was terrible, I had to change three or four ICs before I got the working one. They didn't have a good potentiometer, in fact, they don't even have the potentiometer required. I need to join two old styles of two ohms potentiometers to make a four-ohm one, and this caused an open-air connection.  And the were kind of touch-sensitive, every time I touched the device to change the resistance, the voltage suddenly goes to maximum. It was really hard to figure out the correct voltage ratio between input and output, there were more fluctuations than actual values.  A five-ohm potentiometer hardly costs Rs. 350. But I don't know why they don't buy that. None of the devices was working properly, the DC power supply went of time to time to insure that your excitement about almost finishing the experiment didn't last long. I was so frustrated at the end of the experiment that I had to sit and sip black coffee to relax (This is a big thing because I prefer tea.)

The book I am reading: I have just started reading Kane and Abel by Jeffrey Archer. I was picked by my friend Paul Joseph. I have just started but I kind of feel attached to the characters. As he is building up the character. The way of his storytelling is very impressive as said by the readers and I also kind of find it attractive. 

Song of the week: Ek Jugnu the Ek Jugni  by Satinder Sartaaj. The lyrics are really good. I can be found humming it. In this song, Sartaaj describes the difference between a girl's love and a boy's love. The examples he has taken are amazing. He describes that some love stories are praised by the people while there are others that are criticized. But it is the beauty of love and it doesn't care about differences in cast, race, or status. 

The movie this week: I watched The Incredible Hulk yesternight. It was a nice movie. I liked the way they build up the story. Some of the shots were incredible. The person who played the role of the General did a great job. He was my favorite character in this movie. His facial expressions were amazing. And the way he delivered his dialogues- 'umma'. 

A big event: I need to type this post as fast as possible because I am going to watch the match between India and Pakistan in the theatre of IIT Madras.